Marriage brings its own set of challenges to the already difficult task of managing your money. You are combining your financial life with someone from a different background, and often with vastly different expectations, goals, systems, ideals, and habits.
Given a wide-enough divide and a lack of clear communication, this joint system often falls apart, to the detriment of a very large percentage of marriages that end in divorce. What a shame, since a lot of this anguish could be prevented with a little work.
One of the most challenging situations (and one that ironically seems to happen with nearly every couple I meet) is when a “spender” marries a “saver.”
But if you think about it, balancing a spender with a saver might actually be a good thing. Marry two savers and they might die filthy rich and completely unsatisfied. Marry two spenders and you could be facing recurring financial disasters. The apparent balance, however, doesn’t make the situation any easier to deal with.
That’s when some of these ideas might prove to be helpful. They have worked for us or other couples that I’ve listened to over the years, and hopefully they will work for you to keep your marriage happy and healthy for years to come:
- Have the saver manage the money. I think it’s far easier for the saver to keep the spender in check than the other way around. If at all possible, it would be ideal for the saver to manage the accounts, take primary responsibility for reviewing spending, and to let the spender know the limits of their joint finances.
- Find out how far out the two of you are. How much of a spender are you (mild, moderate, or extreme?). This is important because, for example, a mild saver will have to work hard to curb an extreme spender’s dangerous habits. Understanding the balance of your relationship will help you get a feel for how persistent you need to be.
- Let go of your existing financial philosophy. You won’t be able to go on saving every penny, or spending it, once you’ve joined forces with someone on the other end of the spectrum. While it’s a kind of compromise, use it as a way to explore dimensions of yourself you haven’t seen before.
- Start with a clean emotional slate. One of you might have $50K in the bank, while the other is strapped with thousands in student loans, car loans, credit card debt and owes their brother an undetermined amount of money. Don’t carry regret about those preexisting conditions into the marriage; simply decide on a course of action for how to deal with them and move forward.
- Meet often. It’s important to meet at least once a month, or even as often as once a week. During these meetings, be sure review expenses, celebrate savings, look at short-term and long-term goals and practice regaining balance between your two extremes.
- Learn about the importance of delayed gratification. Spenders often have a tough time latching onto the concept of planning for the future, though the reasons why vary. Sometimes, there are deep emotional connections to the rush of spending money. Education about the importance of having a healthy savings account and avoiding debt is critical, in whatever form can be best absorbed by the spender.
- Find goals that transcend spender/saver bias. Understand that the spender also wants things out of life, even if the path they’re on won’t get them there very fast. Instead of writing out goals in the same, boring language like “Save $10K by October” or “Pay off the car before Christmas,” tie goals to real-life language that is appealing to both ends of the spectrum. “Save money for an awesome Caribbean vacation” or “Put a down payment on a 2-story house” might work better and get both the saver and spender excited.
- Share the stress with the spender. Don’t bottle up the stress of dealing with a hard financial life—it only enables the spending half of the marriage to continue as if nothing’s wrong. Make the spender aware of the damage they’re causing by periodically involving them in the daily management of things, and tell them how poor finances make you feel.
- Don’t keep secrets. It might sound absurd to some of you, but in most cases, it will start as innocent purchases here and there and could escalate to something much more damaging without anyone noticing. Hopefully, you’re in this for the long haul, and you’ll realize the danger in keeping information from one another. (Not telling your spouse something important is nearly as bad!).
Are you married? There’s no doubt one of you is more prone to spending and saving than the other, but by how much? How have you dealt with it?
9 thoughts on “9 Tips for When a Saver and Spender Marry”
Great article! I’m dealing with the spender-saver balance in my relationship as well. My issue is trying to find a way to discuss financial liabilities, loans, and debt without making my partner feel embarrassed or uncomfortable.
The author is the saver in the relationship, right? 🙂
Because almost all the concessions seem to be made by the spender.
(I am the saver in my marriage.)
Yes, haha. I would point out that I have made equal concessions to arrive in the middle. (We spend more–hopefully, on things that enhance our lives, than I ever did before). While I wrote this from my perspective, I don’t think the idea is to make the spender into a saver by any means.
If I were married to a spender, I would place her on a budget! I would create a structure that she could operate within and not destroy our lives.
Authority levels work well…e.g. my wife and I agreed on:
under $25: no questions asked
over $25: check with the other partner
over $100: check with the other partner and have mandatory 1-2 weeks cooling off period…if we still want it after after the cooling off period, then buy it…(unless its Costco)
I’m very good at finding best deals available, so when my wife wants something, she decides on what she wants and I find the best way to get it…
Fantastic way to set up some structure to this!
My wife and I jointly agreed on a monthly budget for basic expenses and then we each get an equal monthly allowance that we can spend however we wish. Unused portions of that allowance accumulate so we can save for those bigger items if we choose.
Ah, I see that suggestion is already in one of your other articles. I guess great minds think alike.
Yeah, I think it’s an awesome way to keep some personal cash around. Thanks for mentioning it as a suggestion, helps to reinforce the point! 🙂
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